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Advice for the Lovelorn

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We are lucky to have a guest writer this week: Hymen, the goddess of marriage, who makes a special appearance in our production of As You Like Lit. The play is bursting with characters who are plagued with love woes; can Hymen help them solve their problems? Read on to find out.


Dear Hymen,

I never thought I’d write a letter like this, but here goes. I met a really cute wrestler, and I think I made a good impression on him. But just after our meet-cute, my jerk uncle threw me out of the kingdom. So now I’m wandering the Forest of Arden disguised as a boy, and of course, who do I run into? Yep, the hot wrestler. Do I blow my cover and confess my feelings, or do I keep on letting him think I’m a dude? It’s definitely getting weird.

–Lady Looks Like a Dude


Dear Lady,

Sometimes you don’t have to make a choice. Keep your cover and continue to flirt with him until you feel the time is right to reveal your true self. Trust me, he’s probably into it.


Dear Hymen,

I have got a real problem. I ran into this cute guy in the woods, but he acts like he wants nothing to do with me. Crazy, right? I mean, I’m adorable. Making matters worse, one of my coworkers (we tend sheep together) is disgustingly in love with me, but I’m just not interested. How do I win over the one I like and get rid of the one I don’t?

–Shook Shepherdess


Dear Shook,

Are you sure you’re as cute as you think you are? If the new guy doesn’t want you, there’s really nothing you can do about it. It might not hurt to put your feelings in a letter, but be prepared—it might not go your way.  And remember, the guy you want to dismiss has a huge advantage over the one you want to attract: he can stand to be around you.


Dear Hymen,

I’m just a simple country girl, but I recently met a man from the city. He’s a little weird, but his courtly ways are so sophisticated. There’s just one thing: I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I don’t get his jokes, which makes me feel dumb. What should I do?

–Constantly Confused


Dear Connie,

Just smile and nod. He probably doesn’t want you for your mind.


Dear Hymen,

I met this girl; I like her; I’m pretty sure she likes me too. So I came up with what I thought was a foolproof way to win her over: I wrote poems and stuck them in trees. Genius, right? What girl doesn’t like a good poem? And trees? But now everyone is reading my poems and making fun of them. It’s really doing a number on the old self-esteem. How do I get my confidence back?

–Roaming Writer


Dear Writer,

Plenty of girls like a good poem, but I’ve read yours—they’re atrocious. Wait, I’m supposed to be helping you with your self-esteem. Let me try again. Clearly poetry isn’t your bag, so to build your confidence, try something you’re good at. Ever thought about fighting a lion?


Thanks, Hymen, for helping out our smitten Ardenites. You, too, can seek the good goddess’s counsel at As You Like Lit!

Jen Czechowski

Master of Market at Sweet Tea Shakespeare